{"id":1405,"date":"2011-04-20T23:24:17","date_gmt":"2011-04-21T04:24:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/?p=1405"},"modified":"2011-04-21T09:48:29","modified_gmt":"2011-04-21T14:48:29","slug":"the-mothers-prayer-for-its-daughter-tina-fey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/the-mothers-prayer-for-its-daughter-tina-fey\/","title":{"rendered":"“The Mother’s Prayer for its Daughter” – Tina Fey"},"content":{"rendered":"

A Mother’s Day Poem.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.<\/p>\n

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it\u2019s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach\u2019s eye, not the the Beauty.<\/p>\n

When the Crystal Meth is offered,<\/p>\n

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half<\/p>\n

And stick with Beer.<\/p>\n

Guide her, protect her<\/p>\n

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called \u201cHell Drop,\u201d \u201cTower of Torture,\u201d or \u201cThe Death Spiral Rock N\u2019 Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,\u201d and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.<\/p>\n

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.<\/p>\n

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes<\/p>\n

And not have to wear high heels.<\/p>\n

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I\u2019m asking You because if I knew, I\u2019d be doing it, Youdammit.<\/p>\n

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.<\/p>\n

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.<\/p>\n

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,<\/p>\n

For Childhood is short — a Tiger Flower blooming<\/p>\n

Magenta for one day —<\/p>\n

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.<\/p>\n

O Lord, break the Internet forever,<\/p>\n

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers<\/p>\n

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.<\/p>\n

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,<\/p>\n

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,<\/p>\n

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.<\/p>\n

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,<\/p>\n

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mother did this for me once,\u201d she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby\u2019s neck.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mother did this for me.\u201d And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.<\/p>\n

Amen.<\/p>\n

Tina Fey (from She Knows Parenting<\/a> )<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A Mother’s Day Poem. First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it\u2019s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1405","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marketing","category-motivation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1405","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1405"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1405\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1412,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1405\/revisions\/1412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pmaworks.com\/observations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}